What skill would you most like to learn in 2012?

I am a dreamer. It's been a part of me since the early days of my childhood. As a dreamer I have imagined being good at almost everything, dreamed of travels and skills and belongings and feelings - but despite all the dreaming I have always known the work that is required to truly be good at something. Like many, I often struggle to invest the time required to develop a skill I greatly desire.

There are many things on my list; baking a salted caramel cheesecake, understanding all the features on my DSLR camera and how to use them, being proficient in photoshop, and finally picking up the guitar I bought 4 years ago. Some days I imagine pursuing a career and learning greater business savvy, other days I imagine becoming a perfect bread baker or childcare leader. Mostly, I think it's the thrill of trying something new that holds my attention.

If I had to narrow it down, I'd say photography is the one. I do alright taking pictures of my friends and their kids - but I still struggle with getting the settings right for indoor low light and creative composition. If there is any skill to perfect next year, this is the one. What would you choose?

How do you know when to hold ‘em, and when to fold ‘em?

Hold 'em when it makes you a better person and fold 'em when it is degrading to your sense of self - whether it be a person or way too many shoes falling helplessly out of the closet.

I could leave it at that, but then my mind is flooded with instances where this has not been an easy thing to determine. My first marriage is a perfect example. I held on to that relationship and would not let go for anything. Things got progressively worse, my husband increasingly selfish and cruel, and my sense of self was diminishing at an alarming rate. However, in that state it is so very hard to see realistically what is happening. Then there is the fact that marriage ought to be taken seriously and not simply escaped at the first sign of hardship. I gave my all, even though as time went on how much exactly that was did lessen. I was weak, and had little to give.

The decision to let it fizzle was a hard one, made relatively easier by the fact that I was the only one fighting. In fact, it ended up not being my decision to make. Do I regret staying as long as I did? Not a chance. Do I regret that the decision was made by someone else? Definitely not. I have met those who brag about being the one who decided to leave as though they earned some badge of control. For me this is a horrible thing that instead says "I was the one who gave up."

Life is far better now than I ever imagined it could be. I have a kind, loving, silly husband who balances me more perfectly than I believed another person could. My heart and mind have healed and I am able to embrace life wholeheartedly without reservation; Something I could not have dreamed of before my first husband left. The part I am most proud of though is that I can say I did everything in my power to make our marriage successful. I did not give up when it was hard. I did not put my own interest above the needs of our family. I sought for council and strength from religious leaders. I explored counseling - even though alone.

Deciding to "fold 'em" was a horrible moment which led to a horrible few years. But I had given all I had and then searched for more. I was the only one giving, and I knew as I let it die that I had done everything I could possibly do. I was at peace with myself and my actions, aware of the myriad challenges ahead, and willing to put in the work to rebuild myself. And that is when I feel it's ok to fold 'em.

What do you wish you had 300 of?

As a child, I would wander the quaint suburban street we lived on and pick up rocks that struck my fancy. They would then be placed into a plastic bucket until they drove my father crazy and were disposed of in some fashion. As a parent, I get it now. Never did I have anywhere near 300, and since that time I have not been much of a collector. I like mini-collections of three or so items, even if that is more of a small grouping than a collection. Too much stuff and I quickly fall into freak-out mode and send half of it to the thrift store.

Despite this, I do have almost 300 cookie cutters. They seldom get used and reside in a box at the top of our coat closet, but having them brings me comfort. It is not the sort of comfort that comes from loving an item, but rather they remind me of my mother since most of them were hers. I would never desire this many - but since they tie me to another time and place I cannot imagine being without them. I collect the memories rather than the items.

Memories and experiences are priceless to me. I love scarves, but I can't imagine 30 of them let alone 300. I love baking dishes, and camera lenses, and cute shoes. I love pretty plates and dangly earrings and fleece blankets. I love books and old National Geographic magazines and candles. What I would love to have are 300 things gathered on travels with my husband so that everywhere I look my mind is filled with memories. With memories, 300 feels like we've made a good beginning.

Did you have a secret hiding place as a child?

Within the dark emptiness of my bedroom closet, I placed a bookshelf. It was a petite unit painted a medium, near-Wedgewood color blue. The shelves took one end of the closet and in the other side I placed a few pillows, a small blanket spread upon the floor, and a flashlight. While not a true secret hiding place, I would frequently crawl inside and curl up on the floor with my Sunday dresses hanging overhead, pull out a flashlight, and read a book. On the side of the bookshelves facing my reading nook I taped a paper bookmark we were given at school that said simply "I love reading" in a simple script font. The other kids made fun of the bookmarks when the teacher had handed them out but not I. I did in fact love reading and this little corner filled my heart with happiness. As an only child in a large home, true hiding places were not needed to achieve solitude.
Now, when I need a break from the world around me I do not climb into a closet while no one is looking. I simply sit on the floor of the shower, let the room steam up, and drown myself in my own thoughts.