Being a Happy Blended Family

When the hubs and I decided to get hitched, one of my biggest concerns was how to go about creating a cohesive family unit. Since we both brought a child to the mix and weren't sure if we'd ever add one of our own, it mattered to me a great deal that the kids didn't feel like we were playing favorites. It's only been 2.5 years and there have been some definite challenges, but for the most part things are going far and away better than I expected. I can't take very much of the credit for this at all, but I've identified a few things that have helped with the transition for our little family and thought I'd share. This does get a little personal. I know these situations are so very unique and that many variables are out of our control. I'd love to hear what you would add or change based on what has worked for you.

1. We were both very focused on our kids needs prior to meeting each other. Putting the needs of our new family ahead of our personal desires came easily since we had both been accustomed to doing this individually with our own children. Granted, having only children it is way easier to do since it tends to be a very child centered relationship and the kids know that when mom/dad is happy they pretty much get what they want. In some ways, that also makes it more difficult because the kids were each accustomed to pretty much being in control before hand. We both feel that family is the most important thing in our life and have presented it that way to the kids.

2. We regularly spend recreational time together as a whole family. This started when we were dating, which was easy since everything was new and exciting. Now that we're a little more used to each other the differences in our personalities and preferences is more evident. The Hubs and Munchie love to go to sporting events, so we often go together as a group even though Squirt and I don't particularly care about sports. Squirt loves frozen yogurt, so we will periodically go all together even though The Hubs can't stand the stuff. It's the same stuff that I imagine makes a "regular" family successful - know what makes people happy and make the time to do it together as a group. This is increasingly difficult as the kids' get older and interests change, but so far we have had good luck with orchestrating family time. I think that in a blended family it is doubly important to make sure that every family members interests are acknowledged in order to avoid bitterness.

Since we are not all together frequently, summer is especially important to us. The kids get a say in what we do and we try to plan one or two trips during the time we are all together based on the kids' input on where we go. We try to structure time with other parents so they get at least 4 consecutive weeks where we are together. This has been extremely helpful in learning to deal with one another in something other than "vacation mode."

3. The kids get one on one time with each of us. The Hubs is better at this than I am. At least once a month (we aimed for weekly, but that wasn't realistic) the girls each get a daddy-daughter date. Initially, Munchie was really possessive and jealous of Squirt's time with her dad. She struggled to understand why Squirt would get to do things with him that she didn't, even though they each had the chance to choose their activity. It was rough but opened a discussion with each child about how the relationships we all have with each other are important, blood related or not. Things have really improved and the girls have felt an individual sense of value as a result of the one-on-one time, and as a bonus they are starting to respect each other more since they see that we make everyone a priority. I get my share of one-on-one time with the kids simply due to being a stay at home parent and their different school schedules, so I try really hard to plan special things with each of them now and then so we aren't just spending time at home all the time.

4. We respect the role of our former spouses in the lives of our children. This is possibly the hardest one, and I could talk about it forever. It is easy to let emotion rule the relationship you have with a former spouse. Since the way former spouses choose to co-parent affects the children in an indescribably significant way, this is possibly the most significant factor I've identified. When I think about Squirt's dad I try very hard to ignore any negative feelings that arise. Of course there are some hard things, I mean they are exes for a reason, but I made the decision years ago that I wasn't going to let petty things erode Squirt's relationship with him. We were married after all, so I am well aware of his personal strengths and weaknesses. For example, he really struggles to manage money. I knew this before we were married, it was the case during our marriage, and it seems to still be the case today. When he stopped paying child support I could have gotten very angry and created a legal battle. Since I was capable of taking care of my daughter's basic needs without it I chose to let that one go. Yes, I believe it is every parent's responsibility to provide for their children. Yes, the situation bothered me. Yes, It would have been really helpful when I was going to school full time and not working. However, I decided that my priority was my daughter's emotional stability and money was not a good enough reason to compromise that. I've never denied her dad visitation or communication or anything else as a result. I've never told Squirt anything about money that way and I'm pretty sure she's never heard the words "child support" in our home.  One summer when he couldn't afford to have her visit, I drove out to where he was and stayed for a week so she could see him. He may drive me stark raving mad sometimes, but our daughter deserves the chance to know him and form her own opinions.

It has been hard to get to this point. For years I had an internal battle every day to try not to hate him. I don't always like his rules or the example he sets. I don't love the fact that they fight and he offers to send her home from her visits early. I don't like that I still have to interact with him regularly and it takes constant effort to keep my baggage from our past separate from issues between he and Squirt. BUT, I love that she has a mostly healthy relationship with her dad. I love that he is making positive changes in his life now (10 years later) and I haven't created a negative label in our daughter's mind that he can't break free from.

It has helped cultivate an attitude of love, tolerance, and understanding in our home.

As for The Hub's ex, I pretty much won the former spouse lottery. She has been fantastic. Since I don't have the emotional burden of having been a part of the challenges in their marriage, my only perception of her is what I have seen as she has interacted with The Hubs and with their daughter. I never believed a parent could be so supportive of a step-parent in their child's life or in the new family unit the child is a part of. The Hubs ex calls me "Mom #2", sends my Squirt packages when she sends her Munchie things during her visits so that she won't feel left out, and has sent us new baby gifts for The Boy. Make no mistake about it, The Hubs and his ex had some very hard and miserable moments - I mean they are exes for a reason too, but because they both put their child first they have perhaps the most pleasant working co-parent relationship I've ever seen. I am well aware how rare this situation is and have no idea how I was so lucky to end up with it.

Our kids don't have to feel afraid to talk about their other parent in our presence or to feel like they have to choose between us, because they know that we support those other relationships.

5. We don't give up when we hit bumps, which is quite often. Let's face it, I can make it sound all rosy and like we have the perfect family but anyone who has tried to merge households knows that there is more to it than that, whether that is blending families, marrying when you are older and more established, taking in foster children, or any of the other numerous possibilities. There is always more than meets the eye.

There have been bumps. There were days when Squirt sat outside in the snow trying to convince me that she would be fine living by herself in the back of an abandoned car in a junkyard so she could move out, days where she and Munchie wanted nothing at all to do with each other and tried to isolate the other person in every way, and days where the Hubs and I really struggled to keep our sanity with the other person's child. However, we have a deep rooted conviction that this family unit is forever, everyone is important, and we will do whatever it takes on our part to help each person feel they belong. I am an idealist, OCD, and I tend to dream bigger than I can feasibly achieve. The Hubs is a planner, busy, and focused. We both crave order and honestly sometimes have ridiculous expectations for ourselves and our family. It's easy for us to both think we can completely control a situation which lets face it, is the most ridiculous idea since time began. It's possible that is the biggest challenge we've faced, but the one thing we can each control is our conviction.


This is by no means an exhaustive list and I can certainly list many ways that other people have influenced the good start this family unity has had. We can't control all the variables or outcomes here, but as I think about how grateful I am for the goodness in our family life, these are a few of the things I think of that are significant in helping us be successful to this point. As the family grows and changes, I'm sure these things will change also. It is possible to be happy in a second marriage, even if the statistics make us feel otherwise.

Major Changes

I've toyed with the idea of branching out and talking more about my family and the different situations that arise with a blended family. Goodness knows I'd love to read a blog where someone understood some of the unique qualities of my life. I always get scared and talk myself out of it. It is frightening to open up that way. It is intimidating to put one's struggles and challenges out where they can be mocked, ridiculed, or otherwise belittled. I fully recognize that the things which are hard for me may not be hard at all for anyone else. If that is you, then trust me, I am a little jealous. Some of the things that are hard I'd rather not have to deal with at all.

The ex is getting married in the Spring. I'm really happy for him. I am so overjoyed in my own marriage and family life and I want to believe that he can have that happiness too, let alone provide a healthy example of relationships for our Squirt. It's proving to be a bigger challenge than I expected.

The first hard thing is that he is converting to another faith so he can be married in his fiancees church. He has told me that he disagrees with some of the core doctrines but is going to do it anyway and that is hard for me. I could never align myself with a religion I did not believe in, and I saw what he went through personally when he tried to do that during our marriage. I am worried for someone I don't know and the possibility of things very sacred to her being treated with disrespect. It's none of my business, and it's purely my own baggage talking, but that is hard to watch. Rather, I have to be a contributor as well as observer because I have to submit statements so it can be determined if they are allowed to marry in the church at all. Trying to balance honesty, forgiveness, and tact is really hard when asked "when did the problems start and why did the marriage fail?" Suddenly all the things I thought were over, done, and locked away in distant memories resurface and bring the pain and despair with them.

The next hard thing is that Squirt had a really, really miserable summer at her dad's this year. Like, he tried to send her home after only five days (out of a three week visit) kind of bad. I don't know what happened but I do know that whatever it was is not characteristic of her. As a result of whatever difficulties there were, her dad has whined about her behavior enough that none of his family is willing to sit with her during his wedding. Granted, they had no relationship with her to start with so it wouldn't have taken much to talk them out of that. Since there is no one he can trust with her, there is a possibility that she is not even going to be invited to the wedding, despite previously asking her if she'd be willing to be the "best lady" instead of a best man. He keeps saying that he can't be in "dad mode" on the day of his wedding. That is clearly a part-time parent mentality. The rest of us know that every second of every day is parent mode. It doesn't turn off when we'd rather do something else. The worst part about it is that things have progressed to where the fiancee refuses to talk to Squirt on video chat and Squirt doesn't care if she misses the wedding.

Oy.

I fully admit that being a stepparent is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is HARD to step into another child's life and try to build trust and understanding. It it HARD to enforce limits that may be different than what you would do if you were a full-time parent in their life. It is HARD to keep a healthy perspective when time with a child is so limited and inconsistent. It is HARD to know that you are not the parent, and at least for a while are seen as completely replaceable. It is HARD to be a parent regardless, adding part-time or step to that just magnifies the difficulties at least tenfold.

So it's difficult. I want to be supportive of him and his role in Squirt's life, but I've been placed in a role that I feel makes me an enabler to destructive behavior. He is trying to get me to say that decisions I do not believe are ok, are in fact ok and that his life can be lived independent of how it affect our daughter. I have worked for ten years to protect this little girl from the pain of her dad's foolish choices, and now I am powerless to stop it any longer. Relationships are hers, not something I can dictate and control. Besides, I want her to trust her instincts and not force herself to like people she doesn't actually like.

So there it is. I never dreamed that watching Squirt get a stepmom would be just as hard, if not harder, than becoming one myself. Today she cried on the couch after school saying that she's afraid the new stepmom "won't be the best stepmom ever." That was hard. For the next several months, I am sure I'm going to be hugging her a lot and letting her cry on my shoulder. Then I will likely wait until she is in bed, cry over her pain, and go eat some chocolate.

Chocolate will be consumed in mass quantities in this home for a while.