Major Changes

I've toyed with the idea of branching out and talking more about my family and the different situations that arise with a blended family. Goodness knows I'd love to read a blog where someone understood some of the unique qualities of my life. I always get scared and talk myself out of it. It is frightening to open up that way. It is intimidating to put one's struggles and challenges out where they can be mocked, ridiculed, or otherwise belittled. I fully recognize that the things which are hard for me may not be hard at all for anyone else. If that is you, then trust me, I am a little jealous. Some of the things that are hard I'd rather not have to deal with at all.

The ex is getting married in the Spring. I'm really happy for him. I am so overjoyed in my own marriage and family life and I want to believe that he can have that happiness too, let alone provide a healthy example of relationships for our Squirt. It's proving to be a bigger challenge than I expected.

The first hard thing is that he is converting to another faith so he can be married in his fiancees church. He has told me that he disagrees with some of the core doctrines but is going to do it anyway and that is hard for me. I could never align myself with a religion I did not believe in, and I saw what he went through personally when he tried to do that during our marriage. I am worried for someone I don't know and the possibility of things very sacred to her being treated with disrespect. It's none of my business, and it's purely my own baggage talking, but that is hard to watch. Rather, I have to be a contributor as well as observer because I have to submit statements so it can be determined if they are allowed to marry in the church at all. Trying to balance honesty, forgiveness, and tact is really hard when asked "when did the problems start and why did the marriage fail?" Suddenly all the things I thought were over, done, and locked away in distant memories resurface and bring the pain and despair with them.

The next hard thing is that Squirt had a really, really miserable summer at her dad's this year. Like, he tried to send her home after only five days (out of a three week visit) kind of bad. I don't know what happened but I do know that whatever it was is not characteristic of her. As a result of whatever difficulties there were, her dad has whined about her behavior enough that none of his family is willing to sit with her during his wedding. Granted, they had no relationship with her to start with so it wouldn't have taken much to talk them out of that. Since there is no one he can trust with her, there is a possibility that she is not even going to be invited to the wedding, despite previously asking her if she'd be willing to be the "best lady" instead of a best man. He keeps saying that he can't be in "dad mode" on the day of his wedding. That is clearly a part-time parent mentality. The rest of us know that every second of every day is parent mode. It doesn't turn off when we'd rather do something else. The worst part about it is that things have progressed to where the fiancee refuses to talk to Squirt on video chat and Squirt doesn't care if she misses the wedding.

Oy.

I fully admit that being a stepparent is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is HARD to step into another child's life and try to build trust and understanding. It it HARD to enforce limits that may be different than what you would do if you were a full-time parent in their life. It is HARD to keep a healthy perspective when time with a child is so limited and inconsistent. It is HARD to know that you are not the parent, and at least for a while are seen as completely replaceable. It is HARD to be a parent regardless, adding part-time or step to that just magnifies the difficulties at least tenfold.

So it's difficult. I want to be supportive of him and his role in Squirt's life, but I've been placed in a role that I feel makes me an enabler to destructive behavior. He is trying to get me to say that decisions I do not believe are ok, are in fact ok and that his life can be lived independent of how it affect our daughter. I have worked for ten years to protect this little girl from the pain of her dad's foolish choices, and now I am powerless to stop it any longer. Relationships are hers, not something I can dictate and control. Besides, I want her to trust her instincts and not force herself to like people she doesn't actually like.

So there it is. I never dreamed that watching Squirt get a stepmom would be just as hard, if not harder, than becoming one myself. Today she cried on the couch after school saying that she's afraid the new stepmom "won't be the best stepmom ever." That was hard. For the next several months, I am sure I'm going to be hugging her a lot and letting her cry on my shoulder. Then I will likely wait until she is in bed, cry over her pain, and go eat some chocolate.

Chocolate will be consumed in mass quantities in this home for a while.