Major Changes

I've toyed with the idea of branching out and talking more about my family and the different situations that arise with a blended family. Goodness knows I'd love to read a blog where someone understood some of the unique qualities of my life. I always get scared and talk myself out of it. It is frightening to open up that way. It is intimidating to put one's struggles and challenges out where they can be mocked, ridiculed, or otherwise belittled. I fully recognize that the things which are hard for me may not be hard at all for anyone else. If that is you, then trust me, I am a little jealous. Some of the things that are hard I'd rather not have to deal with at all.

The ex is getting married in the Spring. I'm really happy for him. I am so overjoyed in my own marriage and family life and I want to believe that he can have that happiness too, let alone provide a healthy example of relationships for our Squirt. It's proving to be a bigger challenge than I expected.

The first hard thing is that he is converting to another faith so he can be married in his fiancees church. He has told me that he disagrees with some of the core doctrines but is going to do it anyway and that is hard for me. I could never align myself with a religion I did not believe in, and I saw what he went through personally when he tried to do that during our marriage. I am worried for someone I don't know and the possibility of things very sacred to her being treated with disrespect. It's none of my business, and it's purely my own baggage talking, but that is hard to watch. Rather, I have to be a contributor as well as observer because I have to submit statements so it can be determined if they are allowed to marry in the church at all. Trying to balance honesty, forgiveness, and tact is really hard when asked "when did the problems start and why did the marriage fail?" Suddenly all the things I thought were over, done, and locked away in distant memories resurface and bring the pain and despair with them.

The next hard thing is that Squirt had a really, really miserable summer at her dad's this year. Like, he tried to send her home after only five days (out of a three week visit) kind of bad. I don't know what happened but I do know that whatever it was is not characteristic of her. As a result of whatever difficulties there were, her dad has whined about her behavior enough that none of his family is willing to sit with her during his wedding. Granted, they had no relationship with her to start with so it wouldn't have taken much to talk them out of that. Since there is no one he can trust with her, there is a possibility that she is not even going to be invited to the wedding, despite previously asking her if she'd be willing to be the "best lady" instead of a best man. He keeps saying that he can't be in "dad mode" on the day of his wedding. That is clearly a part-time parent mentality. The rest of us know that every second of every day is parent mode. It doesn't turn off when we'd rather do something else. The worst part about it is that things have progressed to where the fiancee refuses to talk to Squirt on video chat and Squirt doesn't care if she misses the wedding.

Oy.

I fully admit that being a stepparent is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is HARD to step into another child's life and try to build trust and understanding. It it HARD to enforce limits that may be different than what you would do if you were a full-time parent in their life. It is HARD to keep a healthy perspective when time with a child is so limited and inconsistent. It is HARD to know that you are not the parent, and at least for a while are seen as completely replaceable. It is HARD to be a parent regardless, adding part-time or step to that just magnifies the difficulties at least tenfold.

So it's difficult. I want to be supportive of him and his role in Squirt's life, but I've been placed in a role that I feel makes me an enabler to destructive behavior. He is trying to get me to say that decisions I do not believe are ok, are in fact ok and that his life can be lived independent of how it affect our daughter. I have worked for ten years to protect this little girl from the pain of her dad's foolish choices, and now I am powerless to stop it any longer. Relationships are hers, not something I can dictate and control. Besides, I want her to trust her instincts and not force herself to like people she doesn't actually like.

So there it is. I never dreamed that watching Squirt get a stepmom would be just as hard, if not harder, than becoming one myself. Today she cried on the couch after school saying that she's afraid the new stepmom "won't be the best stepmom ever." That was hard. For the next several months, I am sure I'm going to be hugging her a lot and letting her cry on my shoulder. Then I will likely wait until she is in bed, cry over her pain, and go eat some chocolate.

Chocolate will be consumed in mass quantities in this home for a while.

There are still people like this in the world

To the stranger in the Walmart vitamin aisle:

I really was not trying to block your view, with my bulbous belly and my cart in the center of the walk space. I've been exhausted and had a month-long mental block. Despite the fact that I can alphabetize and I know chemical abbreviations for elements, I simply could not find the Iron supplements the doc said I should start taking for anemia. My apology was sincere, if simple.

When you responded that I was the most important person in the world right now because of what I was doing (having a baby) I was completely thrown back. Then you continued and lavished me with praise and told me how beautiful I am and what a better world we would have if everyone recognized that this was the most valuable thing there is. Your kind words, your smiling face, and your genuine good wishes in parting were more of a boost to my spirits than you will ever know. I don't feel beautiful right now. I don't feel like what I am doing as a human incubator is the most important thing in the world. I do feel like my slow movements and tendency to take up space is an inconvenience to others who may be in a hurry, especially in a big discount store.

You completely made my day. In that moment I was reminded of the beautiful things going on within me at this time. The discomforts, fatigue, and seemingly endlessness of it all faded to nothing and I was reminded, there under the blazing fluorescent lights, of all the joy and happiness and fulfillment that is to come. It was such a simple thing.

That one minute.

You changed the course of my morning, and I thank you for it.

Sincerely,
The pregnant stranger you were so kind to

Refinishing the Cradle - in process

When our Munchie was born, her great grandfather made her a solid wood cradle. Actually, it was made a few years before she was born. The Hubs' {then} wife had seen one he'd made for another family member and asked for one, but they never actually used it for the baby. Since then, the Hubs has been storing it and moving it and otherwise trying to decide what to do with it. It's one of those things that is special, but not always easily maneuvered. When we found out The Boy was coming, it made it easy for me to decide what to do. Lets use it!

We got it out of hiding, rearranged furniture, and found it a home. One glorious day he asked me "so do you want to refinish it or paint it or something?"

My heart jumped. Not only did I have permission to refinish it, it was HIS idea and he was open to anything at all that I wanted to do; even if that meant painting pink hearts all over it. Not that I would ever, ever paint pink hearts all over anything. {Ick}

I posted this pic to Instagram and polled my friends. The overwhelming consensus was stain, not paint. That sort of scared me, since I'm not exactly very familiar with stain, but I knew that if the option was available it would not stay this golden oak color forever.

I lugged one part of the stand to the local Woodcraft store and asked for suggestions, got the go-ahead from my doctor, and went to work. They recommended the products and let me double check them against the food safety data sheets - you know - since there is no guarantee it will not get chewed on.

The Hubs and Squirt left town to visit Munchie for her birthday, and I got to work. After a light sanding with my new bff {the palm sander} and wiping it down for dust, it was time to get to some serious business.

Yes, I wore protection. No one wants to breathe particulates or smell grossness all night long, especially while pregnant.

The nice folks at Woodcraft recommended I use a sanding sealer. It went on smooth and easy. Honestly, if I had done nothing else I was so impressed with the shellac they recommended that the golden oak almost looked good enough for me to leave just like that.

I didn't actually know the piece had been "signed" until I flipped it over and did a coat of shellac on the bottom. Seriously, this is pretty much the coolest thing ever. I think it has "family heirloom" written all over it. In that moment I was really glad to be refinishing the piece to something we love enough to keep forever.

I'd read about a dozen blog posts about gel stains, and everyone suggested using men's socks. Then I stumbled on another site which said to use smooth knit material. I didn't really feel like spending any more money, so I grabbed an old t-shirt and chopped it to bits. It's one we got free at a university basketball game that I was previously using as an art smock for the kids, so it was definitely disposable in my eyes. And free. I always love free.

It's true, what they say. Gel stain really does look like chocolate pudding. I went to the store with the intent of getting the Java color people rave about so much, but half our "affordable" furniture is that Ikea espresso fake stuff and I thought that Java would make the cradle look, I don't know, less real alongside everything else. After a long while debating and texting photos of the stain samples I chose to go with the Georgian Cherry.

This stuff seriously does go a long way. Like, a long way. I had read a few posts where people wiped it on thick then wiped off the excess and said it was all good. That was NOT my experience. I found that light, even coats were the way to go. I had visible streaks after the first coat since I let it sit for a minute before trying to wipe some away and it took a good four more coats to even out the finish fairly well. If I were to do it again, I'd rather do the first coat very thin and very even, even if it meant I had to add an extra coat or two to get the color intensity I wanted.

All the other bloggers out there are right. The first coat looks atrocious. I almost cried thinking I'd ruined the Hubs special piece but decided not to judge until it was all done.

This is where I had not thought things through very well. Most people wear plastic gloves under the mens socks they use to rub on the stain. This is a very good idea. Since I didn't, I had to find a way to clean myself up. I used regular canola oil from my kitchen to dissolve the stain and clean my hands.

Ha! Like how pink my hands are from all the scrubbing? My fingers and nails actually looked better after multiple coats because I got better at keeping it off my skin and was more efficient using the oil to get the stain off.

I wanted to cry a little bit with every coat. I just had a vision in my mind that did not match what I saw before me.

Then suddenly it started to improve. After 5 coats on all sides of the cradle I did the same thing to the stand {in the background, still golden oak here}.

Then I went for the pieces that keep it all together.

I let the whole thing sit for a week and today jumped in with the polyurethane coating. It's almost done and I'm so excited to share the finished product. That will take a few days I fear, but rest assured, it is coming and {I think} it is glorious. My life is becomming eat, sleep, and craft for baby. I could get used to this.

Mariner's Compass Map Art

I have finally begun to feel like progress is being made in my life. It's a fantastic feeling. I am now officially in the third trimester so I feel somewhat like a fire has been lit under my bum to get things finished. I'm doing really well with the stuff I want to finish, grad school and dishes tend to suffer these days.

I'm so proud of myself though. Today I pulled out all the stops and actually got my craftiness on.
It was awesome.

Little boy's "nursery" is turning out to be very nature/map/travel/adventure themed, which is fantastic because I get to reuse so much stuff that I already have from my classroom. Today I made this mariner's compass art.

I completely love everything about it, except the yellow tinge in the photos because we get no. natural. light. in our apartment. In real life, it's not got that faint twinge of yellow on the right and it looks pretty dang awesome.

Here's how I went about it:
After finding a compass clip art online that I liked, I put it into illustrator and made a square 7.5 inches wide so that I could resize the art to exactly the dimensions I wanted. I knew I wasn't going to use the N,S,E,W letters so I didn't worry about those going over the edge. We have some frames sitting around unused and I knew which one it would go into, which is how I decided on the size.

I printed the compass out on cardstock, and then cut out all the white parts. This was a touch tricky in places and required a fairly steady hand, but only took a few minutes.

With every piece that came out I got more and more excited about it.

Here it is all cut out. I confess that I got a little bit nervous here that it was going to look too small in the frame, but it all worked out for the best.

I bought this atlas at Christmas a couple years ago specifically to use one map page for a project, and have hung onto it since. Now I just had to decide which page I liked with the compass.

I just flipped through holding the compass and frame on different maps looking for one that I liked aesthetically - and didn't think I'd need to use for another project one day. In the end, I settled on Alaska. It seems appropriate after our babymoon there last month, plus I like the blues and greens. It's the perfect blend of sentimentality and attractiveness.

I wanted there to be some dimension to the compass part to help it stand out a little more so I used 1/8 inch foam photo mounting squares. Some of them needed to be chopped up with the exacto knife to fit, but that was easy enough to do.

Then it was as simple as sticking the compass on the map. Easy peasy. I added a foam square to each corner so that it would stay the same distance from the glass all the way around and not get smooshed in the center while getting bent around the edges.

Illustrator came to the rescue to add a little banner to the bottom of the page. I made a whole page of banners of different shapes and colors, only to find out that the one I liked best printed was the one I liked least on the screen. Isn't that always the way it goes?

Here's a PDF of the compass art I used along with the companion banner, you know, just in case someone in your life needs a little mariners compass art also.

Mariner's Compass Art File

I know I already said it, but I love, love, love it. Best part? It seriously cost me nothing because I only used things I had on hand, plus, it was fast and fun to put together.

It's just one more thing to make my FIL laugh and tell me I had to marry the Hubs to discover that secretly I'm a geographer. I can't help it. I heart maps, and I always have. Just wait until he sees the nursery all finished. I'm prepping myself now for his reaction.

Florals

In the last week, I've had two family portrait sessions. One of them I was absolutely thrilled with, the other not so much. It's been troubling me as I feel like I know my camera better than it looked like I did as I searched the photos from the less thrilling shoot. Let's just say I'm getting intimately familiar with the limitations of my lens, and the limitations of my budget to add a new one. I have a picture in my head of what I want things to look like and sometimes there is no amount of settings I can change to make it happen. 

Saturday I headed out in search of pretty places to shoot and landed on a rose garden I had passed but never stopped to browse. It's a public garden along a bike path my family has ridden many times. 

I felt a little better after snapping some of these. I don't know if it was because flowers are lovely and even mediocre shots are often pleasing, or because I was outside in nature where I am often the most at peace.

My family has been out of town for a couple days, and doesn't get back until late tomorrow night. I almost bought myself flowers at the grocery store just to keep the house spiffed up and feeling joyous while it is empty.

These pics will do the trick I think, and they won't wilt or drop leaves on the counter.

Part of me was really surprised to see blooming roses in October. Many of them were wilting and fading fast, but there were numerous buds reminding me that they are in no way finished with this year's show.

The yellow buds are likely my favorite shot of the day. There is something about it that just speaks to me. The bokeh gives it an almost impressionistic feeling, and off to the side you can see a strand from a cobweb that moments later was stretched across my face.

I loved this shape against the sky. We don't usually look at roses from below, but isn't it lovely?

This is clearly not a flower, but I really like when I see spiders in gardens. I feel they communicate the health of the local ecosystem and remind me that all things have a balance. It's all good, as long as I see them in their home instead of mine. Then I squash them mercilessly or take them outside. We all have our limits.

In other news, I opened a Flickr account. It scares me to make photos visible to those who likely know far more than I do and will see the flaws, but I did it nonetheless. 

My Flickr username is MichaDavis. Feel free to follow along!

A Normal Day

It's so weird to feel lonely in anticipation of the family being gone. Tomorrow he Hubs and Squirt take off on a fun weekend to Cali while I get to stay home with a dozen or so DIY projects, a family portrait session (which I'm crazy excited for - it's always fun to photograph truly photogenic people), a baby shower for one of my good friends, and a Canadian Thanksgiving celebration with some of my favorite people. Downton Abbey may or may not be rewatched and preggo friendly cookie dough will definitely be consumed.

It isn't until tomorrow, but I'm already feeling like the house is too quiet.

Today I subbed for the second time this school year, and I work again on Friday. It pointed out to me that my doctor's advice to stay off my feet my not be ridiculous after all and that I'm really much happier when I am busy. I also learned that chocolate is a definite necessity to have in my house at all times. At present, I am failing in this endeavor, but I plan to rectify that first thing in the morning.

By the way, did you know it is almost impossible to find chalk in this town? Walmart, Target, JoAnn's, and a few other random local locations all lack basic white chalk in their stores. How can this be? Squirt may have to lock up her sidewalk chalk while she is gone lest her mother confiscate it all.

Caramel Pumpkin Pecan Bread

I have a confession: I don't like pumpkin. I know it sounds like heresy and that it goes against all that is good and right in the world, but I don't. This time of year I tend to avoid looking for new recipes because everywhere you look it's a pumpkin overload, not unlike Zucchini in August. If you follow me on Pinterest, you will likely see very few new recipes added to my boards this month. Perhaps it isn't pumpkin itself, perhaps its the spices that tend to go with it. I don't love cloves, or allspice, or anything that one would add to a spice type cake that is not called either "cinnamon" or "nutmeg." I can stomach a slice of pumpkin pie only if it is drowned in three times it's weight in whipped cream, but I typically avoid much else made of pumpkin.

With two key exceptions: I make a mean maple pumpkin cheesecake, and this fabulous bread. Oh, this bread.

It's honestly the only pumpkin thing I seriously crave, and initially I only kept the recipe around so I felt like less of an autumn baking scrooge. Truthfully, I blame my cravings on the glaze. That sweet, caramelly, addicting glaze. I'm salivating just thinking about it. Excuse me while I go devour a whole loaf of this.

{It tastes pretty good naked too... but the glaze is seriously what makes this beyond amazing.}

Caramel Pumpkin Pecan Bread

3 1/3 cups all purpose flour
3 cups sugar
2 tsp. baking soda
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. ground nutmeg
1 can (15 oz) solid pack pumpkin (not the pie ready filling)
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
2/3 cup water
1/2 cup chopped pecans (I left these out today since my family doesn't like nuts, and oh how I miss them. Please leave them in. They are amazing.)

Caramel Glaze:
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup whipping cream
2/3 cup powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract

In a large mixing bowl, whisk or sift together the first 6 ingredients (all the dry stuff!). In a separate bowl, combine the pumpkin, oil, eggs, and water mixing well. Pour the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix just until combined. Fold in pecans. Spoon batter evenly into two greased loaf pans (I like to line them with parchment for easy removal). Bake at 350 for 60-65 minutes or until the tried-and-true toothpick test yields a clean pick. Allow to cool in pan for 10 minutes before removing from pans. Allow bread to sit and cool while you make the glaze.

For the glaze, combine butter, sugars, and cream in a small saucepan. Cook until the sugars are fully dissolved. Allow sugar mixture to cool for 20 minutes. Stir in the powdered sugar and vanilla, making sure to stir until the mixture is smooth. Drizzle the glaze over the cooled loaves.

Take a slice, or twelve, and realize that fall is awesome and your life is now complete.

I actually made one large loaf and one pan of 6 mini loaves, and my family could not stop eating it. This morning the hubs took the last bit to work with the understanding that "we can make more of this, right?" I take that as a success.

Mock Crib Skirt DIY

I was determined to make a "traditional" crib skirt. At least I was until it came time to actually make it. I realized all too quickly that it wasn't practical to get the end result I wanted. So, I decided to make one of those loose side panels that attaches to the crib spring and can be moved as the crib lowers. The big reason is the way my crib spring attaches to the frame. There is no way possible to have a standard crib skirt lay smoothly over these bars. It always ends up bunched like crazy in the corners.

I learned that the last time around when Squirt used the crib, and it bugged me the entire two years she slept there. Lesson learned - figure out something that would lay flat.

Since the nursery is a shared space and the crib is basically sandwiched between a wall and a bookshelf there is only one side that is exposed. The space underneath is desperately needed for storage, so it needs concealment, but only on one side. There is always the way that they did it over on Young House Love, but I wanted something a little more tailored. I took the idea and changed it to work with our crib and the thinner material I'd purchased.

My fabric was about 58 inches wide, and my crib spring was 51 inches so I decided to use the full width of the material.

*** In full disclosure these pictures are HORRIBLE, not that you need me to tell you that. I had time to kill one evening and let's face it, projects typically happen when they can and not necessarily when there is pretty lighting.***

Using a rotary cutter, I cut one strip from the fabric 27 inches long. I've seen so many blogs that say it's impossible to cut fabric straight. No, it isn't. It does help a LOT though if you've got the right tools.

I remember my mom using metal seam gauges to press her seams to the perfect width, but I tend to cheat and make my own out of a piece of cardstock. I drew 3 different lines to represent the different hem widths I was going to use for this panel. The sides were pressed over 1.

My ironing board cover is heinous. I've wanted to replace it for about a decade now. I'm sorry you have to see it here. After pressing I pinned the fold to keep it in place. You could use hem tape if you like, but I had the means and ability to sew it. Plus, I like the look of a stitched hem better than mysteriously clean edged fabric.

I stitched a 3/4 inch hem on the sides. Then I used my handy-dandy cardstock seam gauge again and folded the bottom edge up 1 1/2 inches. I knew I wanted a wider seam for the bottom edge. I pinned and stitched it at 1 1/4 inches from the bottom, then added a second row of stitching 1/4 inch from the first.

The double row of stitching looks a little more polished and substantial for the base of the skirt.

{Yes, I used a carpentry tape measure. I couldn't find my cloth one and this worked in a pinch.} Since I knew I wanted a pleat in the center, I hadn't worried that the material was a bit wider than what I needed the finished skirt panel to be. To create the pleat I first folded the material in half. The skirt needed to be 51 inches finished witdth so I measured the folded panel 25.5 inches from the sewn edge (plus an extra 1/8 inch cushion because I decided I'd rather have it slightly larger than slightly smaller).

I marked finished width with the white pin, and the true center of the fabric with the red pin.

Bringing the red pin to the white and smoothing the edges gave me one perfect pleat. In order to make sure it stayed centered and even I did the same thing along the bottom edge as well. Along the top edge I stitched it a few times to hold the pleat in place. Since I wanted the bottom one open I left it pinned.

Using the pinned/sewn folds as a guide I smoothed out the fabric keeping it as even as possible and pressed the pleat in place. This is the view from the back.

When viewed from the front it looks like this.

After realizing that it is an awfully long narrow pleat, I decided to stitch it in place periodically. I only really cared about the pleat being open at the bottom edge but wanted it to stay tidy looking while on the bed. I measured the front of the crib to see how high the stitches should be to stay hidden behind the wood. For my crib I ended up using 11 inches and 22 inches.

I stitched it in a "V" pattern like shown above. The stiches didn't show up in pictures, so humor me that the text makes sense. I think of this as a "cheerleader skirt pleat" since I seem to remember them having v shaped reinforcements. I could be wrong, it's just the image in my head from being jealous when my friend made cheer in 8th grade and I didn't. It's just as well, I'd have never been comfortable in one of those tiny skirts.

To finish the top, I first folded it over 1/2 inch and stitched it at 1/4 inch. Then I used ribbon already on hand (since it's going to be buried beneath the mattress I decided I could survive if it didn't match). I divided the length into seven and placed the a folded over ribbon at those intervals. That way there was a tie at each end, in the center, and two between each edge and the center.

I stitched them on twice just to be safe. I'd hate for the thing to fall apart in a month or two.

Here it is finished and laying in my hallway in the middle of the night. It doesn't look like much here.

This is more what I'm talking about - except for once again the really terrible lighting. See how the center pleat is mostly hidden behind the center bar? I could have stitched it completely down just leaving the bottom section open but I didn't actually realize that until I was finished.

This is why the crib skirt is so necessary for us. We are definitely using the space under there and I don't want to have to stare at everything each and every day. If I had enough space to use adorable baskets for baby related storage I'm not sure this would be so important to me.

The crib skirt is tied straight to the spring and can be moved as the mattress is raised so it will always just grace the floor. As much as I didn't want to do that at first, I'm really excited to know that I won't have to redo this project as the mattress moves. This idea really is brilliant. I've also seen binder clips used for this purpose. My fabric is smooth and polished so I felt that it would slip out of the clips and drive me crazy. This way I know it won't budge until I want it to.

Doesn't that look nice? I was planning on doing side panels the same way, but decided they weren't needed since you don't see the sides at all. Fortunately I have plenty of material left over if I change my mind one day. I won't tell you how long I spent trying to iron the fitted sheet so it would look just right in a picture. I'm totally over it and will never try such a silly thing again. The map is from my years teaching and will be getting a little makeover of it's own pretty soon!

Things are coming together!