Babymoon

If I'm being honest, I've never been drawn to the idea of a babymoon. It seems like just another excuse to get away and spend money that you may or may not have while preparing for a major, and expensive, life change. It didn't occur to me that I'd ever take one. For the last little while, the hubs and I have been stockpiling our frequent flier miles (his, really) so that we could go to Hawaii once he passes his comprehensive exams. I lived in Hawaii as a kid but haven't been back since I was 5 and have been counting down the months until this trip would be upon us. We tentatively scheduled it for this coming January, and then boom! I got pregnant.

{Somewhere around 1979 outside our house in Hawaii}

Needless to say the idea of taking off to Hawaii with a week old baby was not terribly exciting, so we scrapped the idea. The hubs decided he wanted to go do something before the baby came and I reluctantly agreed. In truth I was a little disappointed at the idea of using up our free fares to the islands on something that we I may not like quite as much. We'd only have a long weekend to donate to the cause which significantly limited our choices. While I leaned toward San Francisco, he leaned toward Alaska, as it seemed silly to use up our miles on a destination we could feasibly drive to. He arranged child care (since we left the second day of school and my mama guilt would have prevented me from figuring it out) and off we went.

I cannot say how amazing it was. My mind has forever been changed about babymoons.

Not only did we see breathtaking scenery:

{Denali}

{Random view from the side of the road headed south from Denali}

{Matanuska Glacier}

{Kenai Fjords}

And gorgeous animal life:

{One of the Orca pods that swam along our boat}

{Grizzly Bear}

{One of the prettiest sled dogs I've ever seen - Denali National Park}

{A sea otter who gave us a great show until he was scared away by someone's flash}

Most significantly we were able to reconnect with each other; which I suppose is the entire point. 

{A random stop along a highway, somewhere in Alaska}

{We jumped in our wedding photos too}

I haven't been too worried about what life will be like once the baby comes. I know it will be busy, and crowded, and I'll be tired. I know the hubs will still have to study for his comps and work very long hours in the lab. I know our girls will each have rough adjustments to make (one is also getting a new sibling a month later from the other parent, the other has a new step-parent entering the picture) and that none of us can really anticipate what becoming a yours/mine/ours family will really be like. 

What I learned on this quick trip is that I seriously adore my husband. 

There was a point this weekend where I realized that we won't always be parents. Despite my early worries, I had not stressed about the kids once during the entire trip (an answer to a prayer for sure). It hit me that life as an empty nester has the potential to be really fun. I truly enjoy my husband's company, and I'm not sure daily life lets me remember that as well as being far from home having common adventures does. It's too easy to focus on the dirty clothes next to the bed, that we each own too much stuff, that one of us didn't do x, y, or z the same way the other would, etc. It was remarkable, and not just because of where we went, but rather because of the way it helped us reconnect and make sure we are completely unified before the roller coaster of life takes off once again. 

So I'm sold. Babymoons rock. Do I have to be pregnant to get another one? 

Nursery Dreaming

A week or so ago, BabyCenter sent me a pregnancy update email with the to-do list item of starting to plan the nursery.

Um, yeah.

Since we’re living in student housing and have barely enough space for the four of us as it is, the idea of a nursery makes me want to cry a little. When Squirt was born I was living in my first house – with over 2000 square feet and a nursery that I spent months planning. I painted murals on the walls including a castle tower and a large tree, along with vegetation like cattails and mushrooms, and flowers. The ceiling was blue with clouds I slaved over making just-so, the walls had metallic dragonflies in a few locations that only showed up when the light hit just right, and I even painted faux pearls with glow in the dark paint and suspended them from monofilament in one corner to mimic fireflies at dusk. There was more too… let’s just say I had a lot of fun with it. It was magical.

What I’m dealing with this time is a little bit different. With 800 square feet and two more people than before, I get to figure out how to take our “office,” aka junk room, and make it fit for human life.

Think I’m kidding?

Take a look:

I seriously feel like a hoarder.

Ugh. Not exactly a dream come true, and seeing it in pictures makes it seem even worse. 

Clearly this nursery is not going to be quite as personalized as the first one. {We ended up moving when Squirt was 4 months old and leaving that nursery was one of the most difficult material possessions I’ve ever parted with.} I don’t get to paint, we don’t have a surplus of space, and frankly we’re both in grad school – which means we certainly don’t have a surplus of money floating around. But a girl can still dream, right? 

I’ve turned to my best friend, Pinterest, for inspiration. You know what follows; a little bit of giddy excitement, followed by depression, and then a determination to make things work anyway. 

If I could, my little man would come home to something like these:

{Source}

How dreamy is that light fixture? Yum. I also love the orange and the globe.

{Source} 

I just about died when I saw this one. Honestly - I love that bright green, the mobile, and that alphabet pillow is now on my wish list. Actually, I have an idea brewing because of that...

{Source}

 The neutral palette and the bright graphic mobile are so awesome. And that little owl on the dresser? So. Charming. The whole thing feels neutral, modern, and just perfect.

{Source}

This one is probably my favorite. I love the idea of focusing on adventure and I love pretty much every single thing about it, though I'm not sure the hubs would love having gold metallic polka dot pillows in his sons room. 

I know this little guy will not be coming home to a chic perfectly designed nursery, but it's so fun to look and dream. I did end up with some budget and space friendly ideas brewing though so we’ll see how it turns out! In the meantime, I’ve got a lot of sorting, donating, and Craigslisting to get done before I can even think about it. Anyone want to buy a room full of junk? 

Dear Baby

This afternoon I found myself talking to my stomach. I was alone for a few minutes and some of my worries got the better of me. I'm so very excited to bring a son into the world, but I am terrified too. I don't want to hide away from the things that worry me, since it's so much easier to face them with faith once they have been acknowledged.

• I'm worried that I am out of practice with babies. 
• I'm afraid that I don't know how to clean "boy folds"
• I'm scared that we wont be able to afford for me to stay home while he is young, and I'm also afraid that part of me does want to work. 
• I'm scared that the age gap between our children will be too great
• and that my step-daughter will feel less a part of our family once he is born. 
• I'm concerned about how to establish a solid relationship between my step-daughter and the baby, when she will have a baby sibling the same age in her other home as well. 
• I'm scared of selling things on Craigslist to make room for this little one and then later wishing I had those items back. Fortunately, stuff isn't hard to accumulate if that ever is the case. 
• I worry that I am not going to be a great support to my husband as he prepares for his comprehensive exams, and that I won't be able to keep up with things at home the way I'd like to. 
• I am scared of how much weight I've already gained when I still have half of a pregnancy to go.
• I worry that I won't be able to lose the weight I gain since I'm so much older this time around and my metabolism is quite different. 
• Then I worry that I care too much about my weight and send the wrong impression to my girls about loving yourself the way you are. 
• I'm scared of knowing what on Earth to do with a boy.
• I worry about not taking care of myself as well as I should and affecting those around me. 
• I get overwhelmed when I think of all the stuff I'll have to carry around and losing the relative ease of doing what I want when I want. 
• I'm terrified that he won't sleep as well as Squirt did and that I will feel like a failure when that happens. 
• I'm scared of colic. 
• I'm scared that a boy means ER trips are inevitable. 
• I worry that the decorations I want to hang on the wall will fall on him. 
• I am afraid to wear my favorite boots and stretch them out unrecognizably, then I'm afraid that if I don't wear them my feet will never fit them again. 
• I'm scared of the responsibility to teach him to be a gentleman, to respect others, and to have the self-control to respect boundaries. 
• Then I worry that I worry too much. 

I can't help it. I'm human, and it seems we all strive to feel like we're in control. Being a parent is a stark reminder that I cannot control anything, I can merely hope to influence things for the better. 

To be fair, all my worry is countered by an equally strong list of things that excite me and make me anxious for the little guy to make his appearance. I can't wait to build model rockets and attend little league games. I'm so excited for my husband to have a son to share his crazy sports-fanatic nature with, and for my nephew to finally have a boy cousin. I'm excited to see my girls love and snuggle with him, and I am so excited to watch another little person grow. I can't wait to finally set up the crib and start to make the "office" (aka junk room) into a place where a little one can start out in life. 

The frustrations of being huge (yes, already, though I know it will get much worse), and the many ailments that accompany pregnancy are temporary even when they don't feel that way. It will all work out in the end. I'm sure I'm no different from other expecting parents. The conclusion I've reached by thinking through all this today is that it's ok. I am allowed to freak out and worry about silly things and stress about issues that don't exist yet, because I am a mother and I love this little baby already. It's all a sign that I care, and that will trump it all. 

Oh, how things change.

Last I blogged, I mentioned that I had been battling the emotions of infertility. In a strange twist of fate, it was the very next day that I found out that I am pregnant. There is no way to describe the shock and disbelief of those first couple weeks. I literally took 14 pregnancy tests in four days because I was in such disbelief. Soon after, the fatigue hit. I spent my days sleeping way more than normal and trying not to feel too ill at the smell of cooking food. Now, I can happily say that the first three months are done and I'm getting some energy back, not to mention more able to eat. I still cry at the drop of a hat, but that's not too far different from my normal self anyway.

Needless to say, life is crazy. We've told our kids and families, and now I find myself all consumed with thoughts of how to take our little blended family into yours-mine-and-ours state as smoothly as possible. There are definitely some bumps ahead, but I think we will figure it out. I'd like to return to creativity now that I'm able to stay awake for the majority of the day. I've been back in the kitchen and it feels so good!

Enjoy your summer, I'm hoping to be back, but I know better than to make promises. :)
See you soon!