Dear Baby

This afternoon I found myself talking to my stomach. I was alone for a few minutes and some of my worries got the better of me. I'm so very excited to bring a son into the world, but I am terrified too. I don't want to hide away from the things that worry me, since it's so much easier to face them with faith once they have been acknowledged.

• I'm worried that I am out of practice with babies. 
• I'm afraid that I don't know how to clean "boy folds"
• I'm scared that we wont be able to afford for me to stay home while he is young, and I'm also afraid that part of me does want to work. 
• I'm scared that the age gap between our children will be too great
• and that my step-daughter will feel less a part of our family once he is born. 
• I'm concerned about how to establish a solid relationship between my step-daughter and the baby, when she will have a baby sibling the same age in her other home as well. 
• I'm scared of selling things on Craigslist to make room for this little one and then later wishing I had those items back. Fortunately, stuff isn't hard to accumulate if that ever is the case. 
• I worry that I am not going to be a great support to my husband as he prepares for his comprehensive exams, and that I won't be able to keep up with things at home the way I'd like to. 
• I am scared of how much weight I've already gained when I still have half of a pregnancy to go.
• I worry that I won't be able to lose the weight I gain since I'm so much older this time around and my metabolism is quite different. 
• Then I worry that I care too much about my weight and send the wrong impression to my girls about loving yourself the way you are. 
• I'm scared of knowing what on Earth to do with a boy.
• I worry about not taking care of myself as well as I should and affecting those around me. 
• I get overwhelmed when I think of all the stuff I'll have to carry around and losing the relative ease of doing what I want when I want. 
• I'm terrified that he won't sleep as well as Squirt did and that I will feel like a failure when that happens. 
• I'm scared of colic. 
• I'm scared that a boy means ER trips are inevitable. 
• I worry that the decorations I want to hang on the wall will fall on him. 
• I am afraid to wear my favorite boots and stretch them out unrecognizably, then I'm afraid that if I don't wear them my feet will never fit them again. 
• I'm scared of the responsibility to teach him to be a gentleman, to respect others, and to have the self-control to respect boundaries. 
• Then I worry that I worry too much. 

I can't help it. I'm human, and it seems we all strive to feel like we're in control. Being a parent is a stark reminder that I cannot control anything, I can merely hope to influence things for the better. 

To be fair, all my worry is countered by an equally strong list of things that excite me and make me anxious for the little guy to make his appearance. I can't wait to build model rockets and attend little league games. I'm so excited for my husband to have a son to share his crazy sports-fanatic nature with, and for my nephew to finally have a boy cousin. I'm excited to see my girls love and snuggle with him, and I am so excited to watch another little person grow. I can't wait to finally set up the crib and start to make the "office" (aka junk room) into a place where a little one can start out in life. 

The frustrations of being huge (yes, already, though I know it will get much worse), and the many ailments that accompany pregnancy are temporary even when they don't feel that way. It will all work out in the end. I'm sure I'm no different from other expecting parents. The conclusion I've reached by thinking through all this today is that it's ok. I am allowed to freak out and worry about silly things and stress about issues that don't exist yet, because I am a mother and I love this little baby already. It's all a sign that I care, and that will trump it all.