Being a Happy Blended Family

When the hubs and I decided to get hitched, one of my biggest concerns was how to go about creating a cohesive family unit. Since we both brought a child to the mix and weren't sure if we'd ever add one of our own, it mattered to me a great deal that the kids didn't feel like we were playing favorites. It's only been 2.5 years and there have been some definite challenges, but for the most part things are going far and away better than I expected. I can't take very much of the credit for this at all, but I've identified a few things that have helped with the transition for our little family and thought I'd share. This does get a little personal. I know these situations are so very unique and that many variables are out of our control. I'd love to hear what you would add or change based on what has worked for you.

1. We were both very focused on our kids needs prior to meeting each other. Putting the needs of our new family ahead of our personal desires came easily since we had both been accustomed to doing this individually with our own children. Granted, having only children it is way easier to do since it tends to be a very child centered relationship and the kids know that when mom/dad is happy they pretty much get what they want. In some ways, that also makes it more difficult because the kids were each accustomed to pretty much being in control before hand. We both feel that family is the most important thing in our life and have presented it that way to the kids.

2. We regularly spend recreational time together as a whole family. This started when we were dating, which was easy since everything was new and exciting. Now that we're a little more used to each other the differences in our personalities and preferences is more evident. The Hubs and Munchie love to go to sporting events, so we often go together as a group even though Squirt and I don't particularly care about sports. Squirt loves frozen yogurt, so we will periodically go all together even though The Hubs can't stand the stuff. It's the same stuff that I imagine makes a "regular" family successful - know what makes people happy and make the time to do it together as a group. This is increasingly difficult as the kids' get older and interests change, but so far we have had good luck with orchestrating family time. I think that in a blended family it is doubly important to make sure that every family members interests are acknowledged in order to avoid bitterness.

Since we are not all together frequently, summer is especially important to us. The kids get a say in what we do and we try to plan one or two trips during the time we are all together based on the kids' input on where we go. We try to structure time with other parents so they get at least 4 consecutive weeks where we are together. This has been extremely helpful in learning to deal with one another in something other than "vacation mode."

3. The kids get one on one time with each of us. The Hubs is better at this than I am. At least once a month (we aimed for weekly, but that wasn't realistic) the girls each get a daddy-daughter date. Initially, Munchie was really possessive and jealous of Squirt's time with her dad. She struggled to understand why Squirt would get to do things with him that she didn't, even though they each had the chance to choose their activity. It was rough but opened a discussion with each child about how the relationships we all have with each other are important, blood related or not. Things have really improved and the girls have felt an individual sense of value as a result of the one-on-one time, and as a bonus they are starting to respect each other more since they see that we make everyone a priority. I get my share of one-on-one time with the kids simply due to being a stay at home parent and their different school schedules, so I try really hard to plan special things with each of them now and then so we aren't just spending time at home all the time.

4. We respect the role of our former spouses in the lives of our children. This is possibly the hardest one, and I could talk about it forever. It is easy to let emotion rule the relationship you have with a former spouse. Since the way former spouses choose to co-parent affects the children in an indescribably significant way, this is possibly the most significant factor I've identified. When I think about Squirt's dad I try very hard to ignore any negative feelings that arise. Of course there are some hard things, I mean they are exes for a reason, but I made the decision years ago that I wasn't going to let petty things erode Squirt's relationship with him. We were married after all, so I am well aware of his personal strengths and weaknesses. For example, he really struggles to manage money. I knew this before we were married, it was the case during our marriage, and it seems to still be the case today. When he stopped paying child support I could have gotten very angry and created a legal battle. Since I was capable of taking care of my daughter's basic needs without it I chose to let that one go. Yes, I believe it is every parent's responsibility to provide for their children. Yes, the situation bothered me. Yes, It would have been really helpful when I was going to school full time and not working. However, I decided that my priority was my daughter's emotional stability and money was not a good enough reason to compromise that. I've never denied her dad visitation or communication or anything else as a result. I've never told Squirt anything about money that way and I'm pretty sure she's never heard the words "child support" in our home.  One summer when he couldn't afford to have her visit, I drove out to where he was and stayed for a week so she could see him. He may drive me stark raving mad sometimes, but our daughter deserves the chance to know him and form her own opinions.

It has been hard to get to this point. For years I had an internal battle every day to try not to hate him. I don't always like his rules or the example he sets. I don't love the fact that they fight and he offers to send her home from her visits early. I don't like that I still have to interact with him regularly and it takes constant effort to keep my baggage from our past separate from issues between he and Squirt. BUT, I love that she has a mostly healthy relationship with her dad. I love that he is making positive changes in his life now (10 years later) and I haven't created a negative label in our daughter's mind that he can't break free from.

It has helped cultivate an attitude of love, tolerance, and understanding in our home.

As for The Hub's ex, I pretty much won the former spouse lottery. She has been fantastic. Since I don't have the emotional burden of having been a part of the challenges in their marriage, my only perception of her is what I have seen as she has interacted with The Hubs and with their daughter. I never believed a parent could be so supportive of a step-parent in their child's life or in the new family unit the child is a part of. The Hubs ex calls me "Mom #2", sends my Squirt packages when she sends her Munchie things during her visits so that she won't feel left out, and has sent us new baby gifts for The Boy. Make no mistake about it, The Hubs and his ex had some very hard and miserable moments - I mean they are exes for a reason too, but because they both put their child first they have perhaps the most pleasant working co-parent relationship I've ever seen. I am well aware how rare this situation is and have no idea how I was so lucky to end up with it.

Our kids don't have to feel afraid to talk about their other parent in our presence or to feel like they have to choose between us, because they know that we support those other relationships.

5. We don't give up when we hit bumps, which is quite often. Let's face it, I can make it sound all rosy and like we have the perfect family but anyone who has tried to merge households knows that there is more to it than that, whether that is blending families, marrying when you are older and more established, taking in foster children, or any of the other numerous possibilities. There is always more than meets the eye.

There have been bumps. There were days when Squirt sat outside in the snow trying to convince me that she would be fine living by herself in the back of an abandoned car in a junkyard so she could move out, days where she and Munchie wanted nothing at all to do with each other and tried to isolate the other person in every way, and days where the Hubs and I really struggled to keep our sanity with the other person's child. However, we have a deep rooted conviction that this family unit is forever, everyone is important, and we will do whatever it takes on our part to help each person feel they belong. I am an idealist, OCD, and I tend to dream bigger than I can feasibly achieve. The Hubs is a planner, busy, and focused. We both crave order and honestly sometimes have ridiculous expectations for ourselves and our family. It's easy for us to both think we can completely control a situation which lets face it, is the most ridiculous idea since time began. It's possible that is the biggest challenge we've faced, but the one thing we can each control is our conviction.


This is by no means an exhaustive list and I can certainly list many ways that other people have influenced the good start this family unity has had. We can't control all the variables or outcomes here, but as I think about how grateful I am for the goodness in our family life, these are a few of the things I think of that are significant in helping us be successful to this point. As the family grows and changes, I'm sure these things will change also. It is possible to be happy in a second marriage, even if the statistics make us feel otherwise.

Image and Self-Acceptance

"Michelle, why is your tummy so big?" was the query posed yesterday by a very sweet 5 year old neighbor girl. My calm response was muddled and mentioned something about just having a baby two months ago and it taking time for your belly to shrink again, or something like that. I acted like it was no big deal, but it hit a spot I'm a little sensitive about at the moment (clearly - since I haven't stopped thinking about it).

There is a major push lately to be sure we instill healthy body images in our daughters so they don't fall prey to self-depreciating behaviors as a result of media representations (along with other variables). So many of us are emphasizing health, accomplishment, and internal pride. We tell them they are beautiful on the inside, that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and that beauty is measured in how we treat other people or our personality, kindness, compassion, goals, achievements, etc.

I for one think I do a pretty good job of this.

When my oldest daughter wanted to only drink water until she was full because of food having "sugar" and "calories" we decided to focus on the nutrients that different foods contain. Our dinner conversations became focused on how proteins help build our muscles, carbohydrates provide us with sustained energy, and vegetables give us a host of nutrients to keep our bodies working right. We regularly googled food items to learn about their benefits and took a whole-self approach to nutrition, focusing on keeping both our body and mind healthy. She knows she has to take two bites of everything even if she hates it, and will often focus on nutritional benefit in order to talk herself through a taste she finds unappealing.

We encourage exercise so the kids will have energy and clarity of mind. When the early hormonal mood swings hit, I help her cope by getting outside and doing something active, telling her that exercise and sunshine can help us when we are feeling sad or angry. I tell her that I love the person she is on the inside, emphasize caring about who she is rather than how she appears, and I try to put minimal emphasis on her appearance. We live in a crazy hippie-town, so that is actually rather easy, and I don't stop there. When she is kind to others, I compliment her behavior. When she works hard on a school assignment I acknowledge the effort she has put in. When she stays up past her bedtime playing on the iPhone, she loses privileges and we talk about why sleep is necessary for the body (an interesting topic since sleep physiologists really aren't sure why). In short, we try very hard to help our kids learn to be quality people, the same way so many other families do.

I also try to model healthy behavior by eating minimal junk food, making sure I exercise (when the baby lets me), and telling her how awesome my imperfect body is because it let me birth two remarkable babies. I tell her that I like the little pooch that remains after childbirth because it reminds me that I did something important, and I try to care more about being clean and tidy than fitting a certain physical mold.

But I'm not sure that deep down I really believe all of it. 

Yes, birthing my babies was remarkable and indescribably important. Yes, being healthy and feeling good about the person you are inside is hugely important. Yes, I'm grateful for the many, many awesome things my body does and is capable of, but I still hate that I don't look the same.

There are times when I am spewing forth the "love yourself the way you are" mumbo jumbo that I find myself caught in the middle of an argument between my head and my heart. My head KNOWS that my value is not in my appearance, but my heart still longs to feel thin, beautiful, and non-frumpy. I'm telling my daughter what I want her to believe... what I want for ME to believe, but I'm just not sure I'm there yet.

It is a struggle every day to get dressed and realize that the maternity pants don't fit (thank goodness!), but neither does anything else. None of the shirts I own work with my nursing boobs, yoga pants are comfortable but hug all the wrong places, earrings get yanked on by little hands, and make-up and hair are lucky to get done once a week. Part of it is simply the phase of life I am in with an infant at home, but the way it impacts me emotionally is sometimes a surprise.

Regardless of knowing that my worth is in lasting areas, I still want to feel pretty. Not a celebrity or Victoria's Secret type of pretty, but pretty for me. I like the way my face looks when I've been running regularly and it has thinned up a bit, or the way a flattering pair of jeans can inspire confidence. Not to mention the way my husband looks at me when I take the time to get all gussied up for something and the confidence I easily exude when something fits me just right and highlights my personal physical strengths.

I want to teach my daughter to be immune to excessive emphasis on personal image, but I still care a great deal about my own. Is that really a bad thing?

I get that we don't want girls to feel that is all there is to them and they have little else to offer the world. I get that we want to raise boys who value the goodness inside of a girl rather than only what her outside conveys. I get that beauty is "more than skin deep," but I also get that sometimes it is nice to feel pretty. Every time I read anything about helping kids develop a healthy self-esteem I come away feeling extremely guilty that I still like to feel pretty.

The whole sum of my identity as a person is not in the moments in which I feel good about my appearance, but displeasure in my appearance often leads me to make healthier choices which then make me feel better about myself. If I want to fit into my pre-pregnant jeans, then I'm less likely to grab a handful of chocolate chips every time I walk by the freezer, I'm more likely to get outside and go walking, I'm more likely to care about how much sleep I get and that I've been eating my vegetables. I'd like to take the audacity to claim that perhaps being aware of our image can be a good thing. The way we look, and the way we feel about how we look, can motivate us to make healthier choices that will improve how we think of ourselves on the inside. The trick, I think, is to recognize that image is a piece of the whole and not the whole enchilada.

Is it possible we've let the pendulum swing too far trying to correct misconceptions created in the past? I really don't know what the answer is, or if there is one. How can we ever know what combination of variables creates a person's thought process? Perhaps I'm taking the easy way out by standing neutral ground on this issue, but I don't think it's as big of a deal as some others seem to. I may be wrong, but who knows, I may also be right.

Paper Airplane Mobile

Our internet has been down, and frankly it's not so much fun. I didn't realize how addicted I was. Thank goodness for phones! I literally check Pinterest every morning before I even get out of bed** just to see if any of my insomniac friends pinned something during the middle of the night that I just can't live without seeing yet. It's a sickness.

On our way out of the house this morning I ran into a neighbor and was reminded that I promised to babysit her girls today, a fact that had completely slipped my mind. So with no internet and being "stuck" at home for several hours I finally got on this ridiculously easy airplane mobile I've been wanting to make for The Boy's room.

Did I say it was easy? This was one of those embarrassingly simple projects.

Step 1: find a stick.
Step 2: fold paper airplanes.
Step 3: hang airplanes from stick.
Step 4: hang stick from ceiling.
Step 5: try really hard to think of a step 5 so it feels like there was some actual effort involved.

After searching the web, I came up with six airplanes that were possibilities and folded each out of computer paper trimmed to 5x7 so they would be petite when finished. I wrote the name of each plane in the center fold so I'd be able to remember which was which. Then I eliminated the one I liked least so there were 5 usable designs. I like to stick with odd numbers since I think they typically balance better visually. 

I have had this 5.5x8.5 striped vellum literally since the summer of 1999 when I planned a bridal shower for a friend. This seemed like a good use for the rest of it with some metallic gold paper thrown in for contrast and spunk. I promise it's got a sheen to it, you just can't tell here.

I kid you not, that's about all there is to show.

The hardest part of this project turned out to be figuring how to hang it without falling face first off my step stool (short people problems). I ended up using 3M command hooks, as I have done with nearly everything in our apartment. It is very light and two hooks would have handled the weight just fine, but then my crazy imagination pictured one coming loose for some reason and the branch falling on my sleeping baby - so I added the third for extra precaution. 

I really love it! It's simple, and airy, and just adds a little something to make the room feel more baby centered than just a crib stuck in the storage room, which let's face it, it pretty much is. Coupled with the map from my teaching supplies and a world travel theme started to emerge. One day he'll have a room that is all his own, after all, they tell me grad school doesn't last forever...

**In full disclosure, this post was mostly written in November, before I was awake periodically through the night with a newborn. Now I check Pinterest in the middle of the night while feeding a little human.

I found the paper airplane templates here:
http://www.funpaperairplanes.com/
http://www.10paperairplanes.com/

Window Shopping

So, I don't need anything. As in the my-house-was-overflowing-already-and-then-I-added-a-baby kind of not needing anything (Except perhaps clothes that fit my nursing boobs... but that is another topic entirely). I still love to dream though. Since I have a baby shower to attend tonight I simply HAD to head to Target for a gift, and once I was there what was the harm in a little imagining?

It's sort of inevitable, actually. 

It's not uncommon for my daily dreams to have a coordinated color scheme. Granted, that is probably because of the way colors are either coming in or going out at any given time so there is a plethora of one at any given time. I find I love them all, so I'm in danger whenever I set foot in the door. 

How great are those jars? I love the dark teal one on the middle shelf.

I have been wanting this bath rug for a while now. Isn't it fun? It makes me think of flowing water and not in the way that screams "my whole family must have just showered."

Plus it looks awesome with my orange shoes. 

Then there was this awesome fuzzy blanket to match! Seriously, who doesn't love a fuzzy blanket, especially coordinated to a bath rug not visible from where you snuggle? Seriously, in northwest literally two thirds of the year is sweater weather. It wouldn't surprise me if placing blankets in powder rooms became a thing.

These shoes look way fun, especially with the fairly neutral jean and tee shirt days that I am living. Hahaha! Who am I kidding? Jeans are dressy. It's more like yoga pants and old maternity tee kind of days. Some fun and funky kicks are always delightful and make me feel I have a reason to wear real clothes. 

This may have been the most painful clearance find to leave behind- at least since the marble cake plate in December, the lovely, lovely marble cake plate. I'm still weeping over that one. The only reason this didn't come home with me was the thought of trying to make room for it in our little kitchen. It's was very heavy duty and full of possibilities. I must stop thinking about it before I hop in the car and go back to get it. 

Ohmygosh is anyone else obsessed with White Collar??? I don't crush on celebrities but that Neal Caffrey character is something else. This hat was in the infant section- YES! The INFANT section and all I could picture was a darling little photo shoot with my bubs. I even texted the hubs a picture partly wishing he'd suggest I get it even though it's totally impractical and the awesomeness of it would be completely lost on him. 

So. Cute. 

If the bubs hadn't been peacefully sleeping I would have laid him on the floor and had a mini photo shoot with it right there in the middle of the store. 

...And then I would have died from how cute it was. 

Which made this one all the more tempting... After all, it's adorable AND on clearance AND likely to be worn more than once. 

I made the smart choice however.

Boo.

Target has a way of making me think I need things there is not a chance on this green Earth I would have ever known I was missing. Now that I'm home I remember that bringing anything else into this house might qualify us for an episode of Hoarders and I'm glad to not have to go through that. Oh, the humiliation.

Does Target do this to you too? Please tell me I'm not alone. What do you do when you find yourself most lured by the desire to have pretty much everything you see?